“NO” Is Not A Four Letter Word
By Stephanie Marston, MFT
How often do you say “yes” when you want to
say “no?”
Do you say, “yes” because you’re afraid
you’ll disappoint the other person?
Do you feel guilty if you turn someone down? Are you concerned
with what they’ll think of you?
We waste so much of our precious time and energy trying to please
other people. If you have trouble saying “no”-- you’re
in good company. As women, our concern for others is central to
the way we make decisions. While men make choices based on principles,
women are much more concerned with the impact their decision will
have on the people involved, consequently we’re reluctant
to say “no.”
Frequently we feel that when we say “no” we’re
not rejecting a request, but we’re rejecting the other person.
And since we certainly don't want to reject someone we love, care
about or respect we resist saying ‘no.” What’s
more, if we see "no" as a rejection, chances are we ourselves
hate to be told “No.” Consequently, we also hesitate
because we don't want anyone to say “no” to us (not
that this ever works).
To most people, unless they've learned otherwise, "no"
conjures up thoughts of selfishness, weakness, anger, rejection,
failure, stubbornness to name but a few. It's not surprising some
of us have trouble with this little word. In fact most of us act
as if “no” is a four letter word. May I remind you,
it isn’t.
Remember you have every right to say "no" to
something you don't wish to do.
The truth is learning to say "no" is an acquired skill.
However, like learning how to swim, you get better with practice.
Using this powerful two-letter word doesn't mean you’ll never
do a favor for a friend again or accept another invitation about
which you're somewhat ambivalent. However, when you make a decision
to go against your feelings, it will be your adult decision, not
the decision of your guilt demons. Moreover, learning to
say "no" can dramatically increase your time and help
you to feel better about yourself and less resentful of
others.
If we’re going to create a life we love we have
to become more protective of our time. We have to be willing
to say “no” to certain things in order to make room
to say “yes” to others. Saying “no” is a
way of caring for and honoring your authentic self. It’s a
way to keep in touch with what’s most essential in your life.
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